Mairi Moon, Woman With Wings

My son, Xaq, gave me this Blog for Christmas in 2003. He wrote at the top of the opening page, "You are my favorite mommy, and I think the entire internet should know just how cool you are. So here is your very own blog, so you can spread your love like peanut butter. Not too much peanut butter, though. I like jelly better." So this is me, Mairi Moon, Woman With Wings, spreading my love like peanut butter, with lots of jelly.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Creation Energy

A (fabulous) writer on a listserve I belong to recently lamented that she has no energy for writing now that she is nearing the end of her pregnancy, and that got me to thinking...I think that all our creation energy comes from the same inner well, whether we use it for writing or painting or composing or gestating. When one is making a baby inside one's body, I would say that for most people that bigger-than-we-can-even-imagine act of creation uses up just about the whole pool of creation energy most of us have. So, when one is busy being the vessel for the creation of a brand new human being, I think one can forgive oneself if one doesn't have anything left over for something as mundane as putting words on paper! Don't get me wrong--I am not denigrating writing--it's just that the act of writing and the act of producing a baby seem to me to be on two entirely different scales. Unless, of course, you're someone like Doris Lessing. But... you notice how many children she had...

On an entirely different note: now that my children range in age from 8 to 15, and I am looking back on my own pregnancies from afar, knowing there will be no more, I have only one regret, and that is that I didn't realize how special, and how fleeting, that time was. I was raised by a mom who encouraged me to reach for the stars, do whatever I wanted to do, and not to "let having children get in the way," so I think I was determined to show that I wouldn't be slowed down by pregnancy. I even remember this experience, during my first pregnancy when I was still teaching dance at a private girls' school: I was 8 months pregnant, going up a long flight of steps from the cafeteria toward the dance rooms, and when I became aware that a gaggle of teachers at the bottom of the stairs were watching me go up, I started taking the stairs two at a time just to show how not-slowed-down I was!!

Anyway, I now wish I had spent more time just gestating--just sitting in a rocking chair, staring out the window, luxuriating in feeling slow and fat and stupid, relishing this amazing, miraculous thing happening inside me. If I had it to do again, I would sit back, close my eyes, and visualize the formation of each eyelash, each thigh fold, each rosebud lip. I would wrap my arms around my big ripe belly and cradle that tiny ocean, and imagine the beautiful creature swimming in it, and cherish the time when I could actually hope to keep my child safe from this crazy world, protected by my bones and muscle, nourished by my blood, soothed by the music of my heartbeat.

Jeez, I'm getting myself all choked up here.

Any of you out there lucky enough to be growing a baby: Cling to it, cherish it, ENJOY!!

So this is me, Mairi Moon, woman with wings, looking back with love, and that good old 20/20 hindsight.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004


Okay, this was not a stellar day in the "If Mama Ain't Happy Ain't Nobody Happy" campaign. I got up this morning and my baby Michael (yeah, he's 10, but he's sick, so therefore he is my baby...) was asleep, having had a fever and sore throat during the night. David had to leave at 7am for a shoot for the History Channel, so I had to get Emma up and get her ready for school, and drive with her to the pharmacy, pick up a Rx for Michael, bring it back home to him, take her to school, and then try to get to work on time (good luck!). While on my way to work, Michael woke up and called me on my cell phone, and my little usually-tough guy sounded so weak and pitiful, that I just wanted to go right home and hold him and make him some tea and pull him into my bed and watch Nickolodeon with him. BUT...I had to go to work. There were three schedules worth of patients coming, and only two midwives (including me) because of an administrative screw-up (not mine), and I just didn't feel like I could do it to the patients or my fellow-midwife. So I went to work, and kept saying, "I'll see just one more person, and then I have GOT to go home and take care of Michael," and he kept calling me and saying things like "I want my mommy," which he hasn't said for years, and I kept not going. So, now it is the end of the day. I FINALLY came home, fed him, and held him until he fell asleep. Poor baby. Now, you might ask, what would have made Mama happy? What would have made me happy is to have been a Mama today. My whole heart wanted to be there--well, clearly not my WHOLE heart, because I wanted to take care of those women, and my fellow midwife, too. But isn't that just ego? Couldn't someone else have dealt with the fallout of my leaving? What if I had just DONE WHAT I WANTED and gone home to my baby? Would they have remembered it a month from now? No. But Michael might have. Instead, he might remember that he was sick and his mom wasn't there. I know I will. Boo. I fail. Not because I wasn't there for Michael, but because I didn't listen to the inner voice telling me to do what I WANT. I am not saying this to berate or punish myself. I am simply acknowledging to myself that I did NOT follow the program. However...tomorrow will be better.

So this is me, Mairi Moon, woman with wings, planning to stay home tomorrow NO MATTER WHAT!

I'm Baaa-aaack!

Okay, I really didn't forget that I have a blog. I just got so unbelievably busy that I never thought about posting when I actually had access, or the energy, to write something. What have I been so busy doing? Well, babies, Spring Festival, babies, Sarah's 14th birthday, babies, mystery school, babies, babies, and babies! I have had to come to some very hard decisions lately. I thought that beginning mystery school might push me to shift my priorities, because it is a calling I feel, one that calls me to rearrange my other activities to accommodate my dreams and desires, rather than to accommodate the seeming hordes of people who would be happy to have me arrange my life around their priorities. I say this without bitterness--after all, who would not like someone to concentrate on taking care of them and their priorities? Why wouldn't my children enjoy having their mother put their desires first? Why wouldn't my husband enjoy having me put him ahead of work, children, or friends? Why wouldn't my spiritual community like me to be available anytime they need some music directed or a dance choreographed? Why wouldn't the birth center enjoy having me be available for births 24/7? What I need to believe is that, in the end, they would ALL benefit from me setting my priorities in a way that makes ME happy, because if I come to my work, my family, my spiritual community with joy and love, and without resentment and martyrdom, it will be more wonderful for them, too! For years I've been telling my clients to insist that their partners give them the time and space they need to follow their dreams and have some down time, telling them, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" I need to start acting on my own advice! I really do believe that is true. I really do believe my own words when I hear my voice saying to them, "really, taking care of yourself is NOT self-indulgent; it is a way for you to be the very best mama you can be." I just keep forgetting that it applies to me, too! Well, here's to remembering--not my strong suit, but I'll do my best!

So this is me, Mairi Moon, woman with wings, resolving to practice what I preach.